Friday, April 8, 2011

How to Become a Reality TV Star. Yes, for real.

So you want to become a Reality TV Star, eh?  Well, here are a few lessons I've picked up and now offer as suggestions.  It's not much, but hopefully can provide you with a bit of direction in your budding new career.  Let's get started.

First, we need to decide what realm you are considering.  Are you a desperate female looking for 'love'?  Are you willing to compete against numerous others for the affection of one?  Yes, I know...we do that very thing every day.  This is different.  Here you will have a camera crew with you constantly as you 'play the game' - undermining those other bitchy women, telling lies about them, picking fights with them, and making them look absolutely horrendous.  In other words, be as catty as you've always wanted in the name of great TV.  At the end of the show, Billy Bob will hand you a rose and a ring, hop in the limousine with you, and cart you off for the fairytale ending.  Umm, yeah...because that's how 'true love' is supposed to work.  Give me a break.  Still, it IS an opportunity.

Maybe you're hardcore and want to work countless hours for a sadistic, self-aggrandizing, self-loving business man.  In this show, you'll get to undermine people who become friends and, God forbid you screw up one iota, feel the burning rubber of tire treads as the bus they've thrown you under rolls carefree over your limp, lifeless  body.  These people play for keeps.  If you're fortunate enough to get beyond the weekly, "You're Fired!" line at the end of the show and make it to finally wear the crown of (basically) 'The Helper' (I took artistic license), then you will get to work for the one person that actually DOES expect perfection...I think.  Either way, it's not for me.

You could even start a show with a few of your friends (so far, solely women) and call it something like "The Actual Housewomen of (insert name of town here)".  "Real Housewives" was taken - you get the gist.  Here you can get a few friends (again, 'superficial' comes to mind) and spend your time shopping, lunching, partying, and spending money in general all while the world watches.  It must be extremely liberating....and again, catty.  You have to be 'kissy-kissy' with women that treat you like dirt, talk behind your back, and seriously have no clue as to how the real world lives.  Real Housewives?  Seriously...REAL?  Sorry, saving that topic for another day.  Catch an episode and you'll understand.

The one reality show that has me the most mesmerized is one any of us can start.  Get pregnant, have 8 kids, shamelessly use them to sell a TV show so the world can watch them grow up.  Really?  I'm watching that...why, again?  So here are Jon & Kate...Plus Eight.  Kids.  Like, small kids.  Jon & Kate aren't even that anymore....they're just, well, Kate for now.  How does the conversation even start?  "Hey, Babe....I'm thinking we knock you up a good couple of times, dress the kids in cute outfits, and show 'em off to the world."  Again, not something I would have thought of....nor any woman I know consider it.  Did I mention that for this show, the husband has to be the typical philanderer - go out on the town with a floozie (isn't that a great word?) while the wifey and kids stay home?  Jesus, could he have been more of a dick?  Dude, listen....STAY AWAY FROM PAPARAZZI!  Oh, wait....the trappings of a reality show.  I'm with ya'.  So they get divorced and now it's Kate & the Kids.  Messy divorce, by the way.  Personally, I think I have better stories of that scene but we're talking about you....or them....or....whatever. 

Now we find out Kate is being sued by Creative Energy Options.  This firm HAD been reported to be marriage counselors...but, nooooo.  They're Jon's 'Life Coach'.  Read it again, slowly.  Life Coach.  Creative Energy Options.  Could they be anything but crystal-toting, robe-wearing, 'flowers in hair' New Age healers?  LIFE COACH?  What the hell is THAT???  Pardon me, but I have a problem with the image of a John Madden-type standing by my bed, watching as wifey and I crawl under the covers, only to hear him screaming, "Go for two!  Go for two!!" (literally, my skin is crawling).  I seriously missed the opportunities to become 'Healing Master Donay' with incense burning and sitar music playing.  Damn it.

So, there you have it - my instructional guide to your own show.  Good luck and don't forget the 15% I'm due.  Small bills.  Send 'em.  Now go....

Until next time.........

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